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    September 19, 2019 | 11:55 AM

    Climate Deniers Need Help Doing Dishes!

    Thoughts and prayers for the good people of the Competitive Enterprise Institute (CEI), everyone.

    CEI staff found that just sticking their dishes right into the dishwasher all caked with filet mignon, imperial caviar, and chocolate ganache remnants every night wasn’t doing it. Turns out, when you place glasses crusted with 1998 Chateauneuf du Pape into the machine, you might still find the occasional specks after the cycle finishes.

    No fair, right?

    So they did what anyone with all kinds of fossil fuel money and members of Congress on speed dial would do. These plucky souls set out to change the energy efficiency standards for the entire nation and keep the evil government regulators from encouraging dishwasher manufacturers to make machines that use less energy and water. (The nerve of those regulators! Probably just in it for the money.)

    Sure, the climate crisis is accelerating by the year and global water supplies are disappearing, but have you seen what happens to white truffles caked onto antique china?

    The only solution, they said, was to create a new class of dishwashers with the water cycle of Niagara Falls and the heat of a nuclear reactor.

    While we’re immensely grateful to CEI and their friends at FreedomWorks for their work on behalf of the common oil CEO, we wanted to let them know, you don’t have to destroy energy efficiency standards for the whole country just to get your dishes clean!


    In fact, most people in the world get by with these efficient and effective dishwashers just fine. To help the people of CEI, we thought we’d share some pro tips from an actual appliance manufacturer on how you can use an efficient dishwasher and get your dishes clean. No national policy changes accelerating climate change and global catastrophe required!

    Step One: Get Ready to Load the Dishwasher

    IMPORTANT: First, remove any leftover food, bones, and other solid items from the dishes.

    • Make sure that dishes in the rack don’t block the spray arms.
    • Check that the dishwasher door can close without anything blocking the detergent dispenser.
    • Load items with dirty surfaces facing down and inward. This will help with cleaning and drying.

    Step Two: Add Detergent

    NOTE: If you’re not going to run a wash cycle soon, run a rinse cycle. Do not use detergent.

    • Only use automatic dishwasher detergent and add it just before you start the cycle.
    • Using fresh automatic dishwasher detergent will give you cleaner dishes. Store your detergent in a tightly closed container under the sink or in another cool, dry place. Using tablets and packs are convenient and result in the best performance.

    Step Three: Select a Cycle

    Efficient dishwashers take more time but use less water and energy. Usual cycle times are around two hours, but some can take even more or less, depending on the cycle you choose.

    Step Four: Start or Resume a Cycle

    • After you choose your cycle and options, press START/RESUME to start the dishwasher.
    • If you need to pause your dishwasher mid-cycle, press START/RESUME to start again and close the door within 3 seconds.

    That’s it! With a few simple steps and care to lightly wash your dishes of all the extra jamon iberico and foie gras before your live-in housekeeper puts them into the machine, you can have the same clean dishes as everyone else. If it still seems too hard, @ us and we’ll come over to show you how!

    And hey, CEI, now that you’ve learned how easy it is to use a dishwasher the right way, what would you think about not sabotaging all the other clean energy and efficiency policies that might not be so great for your fossil fuel pals, but give the rest of us a shot at solving the climate crisis and seeing a livable future?

    Just ’cause there’s some serious stuff coming if we don’t cut those fossil fuel emissions in a big way by 2030. And while it sounds crazy, not everyone gets to have a five-star bunker.

    Just a thought.

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